Dating

Answer: Many people today believe that love is something that simply happens and that one has no control over this emotion. Those who accept this perspective believe "love at first sight" is proof of their understanding.

The Bible, however, gives a different description of love. In passages such as 1 Corinthians 13, we find that love is a choice and a commitment. Godly love grows and endures through adversity. Godly love focuses on what is good for the other person as opposed to just one's self. Godly love develops over time.

In light of the Bible's teaching, we have to conclude that "love at first sight" is more often attraction (and sometimes lust) with a focus on oneself as opposed to godly love.

Today, if a guy and girl meet and are attracted to each other, that meeting is simply the starting point for developing a relationship that may lead to an enduring, biblical type of love. For more information about dating and marriage, read the first chapter of our free booklet, Making Life Work.

Answer: This question about what to do when you "love" someone who has a serious relationship with someone else is a complex one.

First of all, it is important whenever we consider relationships with others of the opposite sex to be sure our age and maturity is such that getting involved with someone would be wise. Many teenagers unnecessarily feel the need to "pair off" long before they complete their education and are prepared for married life. The book of Song of Solomon advises us to not stir up love before its time (Song of Solomon 2:7). God clearly wants us to reserve an intimate relationship with another person for marriage. God desires that all young people enjoy and appreciate a mate—but all in due time and when we are best prepared.

When people are ready for marriage and a man and woman are already involved and somewhat committed to each other, the most prudent thing to do is to accept it. As for believing that God wants us to have a relationship with someone instead of another person, this is usually just wishful thinking. God does not normally communicate with people about such matters. Rather, our own human emotions and feelings get involved and we convince ourselves that God wants us to "have" a particular person.

One thing we can know is that God would not have us break up another couple's relationship. That is in the hands of those two people. God gives us all free moral agency and desires that we make wise decisions about future mates—but He wants us to consider His Word in doing so. Galatians 6:7 tells us that we will reap what we sow and in 1 Thessalonians 4:1-7, God tells us to conduct ourselves in an honorable and holy way in courtship.

Answer: As young people grow up through their teen years, they should be responsive to the direction and guidelines set down by their parents. So the United Church of God teaches that teens' social and dating lives should be guided by their parents' wishes. It is our feeling that one-on-one dating shouldn't really take place until a person is at an age when dating toward marriage is practical. The actual age when this occurs, of course, varies greatly.

There are rare exceptions when someone 19 or 20 years old might be ready for marriage; however, in the Western world it is usually four or more years later before individuals have their education and are able to focus on the responsibilities of marriage and raising a family.

Answer: We are glad to hear that you are a committed Christian and that you are willing to wait until God provides you a godly man. Also, waiting until you are married to have sexual relations will be a blessing to you and your future husband.

The fact that you don't have a boyfriend right now may be a blessing. While different people mature at different ages, most people in our society are not ready for marriage until their mid-20s. In fact, the average age for most first marriages in the United States is now somewhere between age 25 and 28. In human development, an even deeper level of maturity can be attained when young people reach this age.

You may currently be very mature as a 17-year old, but you will probably be amazed at your own difference in maturity in seven or eight years. This deeper level of maturity that comes in one's mid-20s helps husbands and wives follow God's standards of loyalty and faithfulness in marriage.

In addition to waiting for additional maturity, there are other good reasons for waiting to marry. Most teens need further education (college or learning a trade) before they are ready for marriage. Those who marry prior to completing these steps may find their careers sidetracked by their spouse or by having to raise children. Many also incur greater financial indebtedness. Emphasizing the priority to develop a career first, Proverbs 24:27 says, "Prepare your outside work, make it fit for yourself in the field; and afterward build your house."

When a teenage boy and girl have an exclusive relationship with each other, they find it more difficult to avoid sexual contact. God made us with the desire to love and be loved. But there is a proper time and an improper time for doing so. There is "a time to love" (Ecclesiastes 3:8) and there is a time not to "awaken love" (Song of Solomon 8:4).

To honor God through proper conduct and not prematurely awaken love, Vertical Thought recommends young people not date exclusively until they are ready for marriage. Having a wide variety of friends of the opposite sex offers opportunities for friendships and activities with less temptation to sin via premarital sex. If you would like to read more about our recommendations for dating, see the chapter, "Marriage: Foundation of the Family," in our free booklet, Making Life Work.

As for your question about how long you will have to wait for a relationship with a godly man, that is something for you to discuss with God in prayer. Perhaps God is blessing you in that you don't have one exclusive relationship right now. Perhaps what you really want right now are several good friends who just happen to be guys. Hang onto your convictions to honor God in all your actions. He will bless you for your efforts (Galatians 6:7). You may also like to read an article that previously appeared in Youth United titled, "When Will God Provide a Mate for You?" by Brendan and Sharon Babcock.

Answer: Difficulties between Christians and non-Christians arise fundamentally over different value systems. In 2 Corinthians 6:14, the apostle Paul wrote, "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?"

Here, the concept of being "unequally yoked" is a reference to the biblical prohibition against harnessing an ox and a donkey together because they would not make a good team (Deuteronomy 22:10). By citing this concept, Paul was teaching the Corinthians not to get involved with idolatry. Pagan worship and Christianity cannot be yoked together. As Paul asks, "What part has a believer with an unbeliever?" (verse 15).

When we consider marrying someone, we need to apply the same principle by asking, Will my future mate and I make a good team? Prior to marriage is the time to consider whether we are compatible with a potential mate. Compatible religious belief is one area that has the potential to provide great satisfaction or, if there is disagreement in the area of religion, great havoc.

Of course, we should understand that we are going to have much contact with nonbelievers as we live our lives and we are supposed to be lights to these people (Matthew 5:14). The principle of being properly teamed up with someone, however, is particularly relevant to close personal relationships, such as business deals and marriage.

When Christians enter into marriages with non-Christians, they can be tempted to give up their Christian values. Some proceed with marriages anyway, thinking they can work things out between themselves. In some cases, individuals with differing values do find ways to work together with their limitations. In other cases, they find that they are frustrated by their mate's different values. Children of such marriages can also be confused as they try to decide which parent to follow.

In evaluating a potential mate, it is also important to realize that not all professing Christians share the same beliefs or lifestyles. Today, "Christian" is a very general term. This is why it is important for potential mates to learn about each other's beliefs through communication and getting to know each other. Then wise, informed decisions can be made regarding a potential marriage.

God's way of life is a delight and pleasure. Not being able to fully share or appreciate this joy is a frustration for both the Christian and non-Christian. Because of this, the principle given by God through Paul is still valid today. Following it can help us have better relationships.

Answer: Being attracted to the opposite sex is the way God has made us. From creation, His intent was that we humans marry and have children (Genesis 1:28). It is a blessing from God that He created within us a natural attraction between the sexes. And although some boys and girls grow up not liking the other sex, this usually changes as they mature.

When it comes to love, all of us, male and female alike, enjoy being appreciated by someone else. This is a healthy and beautiful experience that God says should only be fully experienced within marriage. In dating and marriage, however, our emotions and feelings also serve as powerful influences. They can influence us for good or evil. God expects us to control these feelings prior to marriage. After we are married, we are to direct these feelings to our mate.

If you would like to learn more about God's instructions regarding dating, please request our free booklet, Making Life Work. Chapter one deals with this subject. .

Answer: Your specific question asks whether it is wrong to chat or "online date" with someone who is not a member of our church. While it is not wrong to "chat" with people via the Internet, such contact with others—particularly people we do not know—is usually not advisable. While we might get advice from a Web site on a particular subject, striking up blind "relationships" online can be very risky and ill-advised. There are just some things we cannot know about people and their intentions when all we do is read written text from them.

As for dating someone outside of the United Church of God, you should seek and follow the advice and direction of your parents. Fundamentally, the Church teaches that people should marry in the faith, and as such, their dating (when they are old enough to do so) should ideally be with other people of like-mind, spiritually.

Often, young people will get interested in someone of the opposite sex who does not share their religious beliefs and will claim "we're just friends." Yet, that is usually the first step to a more serious relationship. As such, we feel that the admonition and principle explained by the apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians 6:14 applies to this situation: "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?"

Of course, there is much more to the subject of dating that should be considered by a young person. If you'd like to read more about dating, an entire issue of Youth United focused on this important subject.

Answer: Generally, we recommend that young people who want to get to know each other better and spend time together socially do so in groups. If your friend and others (such as yourself) plan an activity (going to a movie, museum, etc.), why not invite this young man as a part of the group? In doing things as a group, there is less pressure on individuals. A previous edition of Youth United (http://www.verticalthought.org/issues/ym05/), has some excellent articles on dating and related subjects. We recommend those as well as the articles on dating in this issue.